Kamala Harris, Lionel Messi and Karan Johar headline the week that should have been

My Kolkata looks at how the past seven days transpired in a parallel universe, tongue permanently in cheek

Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred

The BRICS summit (also known as the Conclave of Frenemies) in Kazan is hailed as a resounding success, primarily because no participating nation mentions the words “Russian invasion” or “Volodymyr Zelensky” in any official pronouncements. As host, Vladimir Putin declares that BRICS is open to any country that “does not read the Geneva Convention or the New York Times”, inviting approval from Putin’s authoritarian cousins. Some of them choose to dispense with their translators midway through, communicating with Russia’s tzar-cum-historian solely through smiles.

Meanwhile, in what is being seen as a geopolitical coup in diplomatic sectors, India uses the BRICS platform to pitch for a BRICS T20 league, with interested countries receiving the added incentive of having its airports made by the Adani Group. The only downside to the BRICS gathering turns out to be the meals, which most attendees abstain from, having recently read Alexei Navalny’s posthumous memoir, How to Survive a Poisoning.

Elsewhere, India and China appear to have mended mutual relations, with leaders of both countries admitting privately that they love Putin more than they hate each other.

Wondering what else happened as you waited for the Indian government to reverse its ban on PUBG? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

October 21

• In what could determine the fate of the upcoming US elections, Donald Trump and Kamala Harris have resolved to eat only McDonald’s food until November 5 to prove that they are “true-blue Americans”. Psephologists believe that this gives Trump a distinct edge, since he is the only US President in history who has ordered more burgers than bombs.

• Attempting to boost democracy and the population, Elon Musk launches a scheme in US swing states where “one lucky woman will be selected every day to have a child with me as long as she pledges her vote to the upliftment of the systematically oppressed class of billionaires”.

October 22

• In a major update to the symbolism of justice in India, the most symbolic court of them all has replaced the age-old statue of a blindfolded lady with a small but robust model of a bulldozer.

• Protesting junior doctors across Kolkata call off their hunger strike, having begrudgingly accepted that the city and its media are currently more interested in justice for trams than doctors.

October 23

• At the latest UN Conference of Pretences (COP) in Colombia, where delegates are banned from drinking water in order to save it for the greater needs of AI, ecologists from 16 countries make a path-breaking presentation on “how to leverage ChatGPT to augment environmentally conscious communication that champions change without changing”.

• Creative professionals from 145 countries have come together to sign a petition called “Safeguarding Sloth”, which warns that the “increasing dependence on rapid-functioning AI for churning out creative content deprives creative human beings of their universally acknowledged right to be lazy, as sloth has long been established as an indispensable factor behind creative inspiration”.

October 24

• Following the acquisition of 50 per cent of Dharma Productions by Adar Poonawalla, Karan Johar announces mass layoffs for all Dharma employees who cannot produce a Covishield vaccine certificate.
• After paying close attention to fan comments across the internet, the makers of We Live in Time have decided to reshoot the film. Renamed We Live in a Chicken Shop, the revamped movie will see Andrew Garfield romance Amelia Dimoldenberg instead of Florence Pugh. The climax is rumoured to be a 20-minute sequence where Garfield and Dimoldenberg gaze at each other, speechless, while polishing off four plates of chicken wings.

October 25

• Lionel Messi is set to pip Vinicius Junior to claim his ninth Ballon d’Or after Apple TV+ strikes a deal with UEFA to offer viewers the chance to see the entire awards ceremony through the eyes of the Argentine.

• In the most heartbreaking consequence of India-Canada tensions, dozens of couples across India’s metro cities have split up on realising that they can no longer do their PhDs together in Toronto.

Source: The Telegraph online